what would you do?

[eagle024]

So I had an unexpected interaction with my friend (more about him here http://www.footbuddies.com/forum/sho...buddy%27s+size) at a bar last night, and I’m not sure what to make of it. We were having what I believe was our 5th beer of the night and in the middle of a great “buddies chat” about life, careers, family, etc. At one point, I just looked at him and said, “and just how is it that you haven’t got a girlfriend?” He was quiet for a couple seconds, looked out into the bar, not at me, said “maybe I’m gay?” After a couple seconds silence, I think I responded, “ok” or something like that, and he followed up with a comment about not wanting to be tied down right now, etc. The conversation moved on to other stuff from there.

Now, here I am the next day and I can’t stop thinking about this conversation and whether he meant what he said. We do share sarcastic banter regularly, but we weren’t really in that mode while we were talking. The way he was looking away from me made it seem like he was uncomfortable. His tone was somewhere between a question and a statement.

I should mention that I consider myself bi, but am private about it and have never acted on it. I am also head over heels about this friend, and I could very easily be inventing a fantasy from a casual joke. I have never had any reason to believe he was gay (e.g. stories about hooking up with girls, etc.) but I’ve also seen him act more open than lots of guys. One time, when we at a bar and drinking way more than we did last night, I brazenly grabbed his shoulders and started massaging them. Whereas most guys I know would probably act freaked out or tell me to stop- he said “that feels good.”

I suppose the hard/right thing to do would be to ask him if he was serious or not and to share my own story. But I really don’t want to mess up our friendship and create any distance. Even setting aside my feelings for him, I really value his friendship. If he is straight, I’m fairly sure that he’d find it a bit awkward that I might think he was gay. And no matter how much I divulge about myself, I’m pretty sure that it would be clear how I felt about him when he re-evaluates past clues (i.e. the shoulder rub incident)…

As an aside, he was wearing some gorgeous new sneakers on his size 13s that I wanted to rip off his paws the whole night…

[Freyr]

Here's my $0.02. You can follow up on his comment in the next few days, when you two are in some private space and tell him something like this: "Dude, what you said last night about maybe being gay. Well, it doesn't matter to me one way or the other, you're still my buddy and my friend. If you want to talk about it more, I'm here for you."

He'll either laugh it off, say something non-commital like "thanks" and never bring it up again or open up to you.

Where you go from there is up to you. G'luck either way. I'd be careful about trying anything with his feet should he open up to you. Let this new aspect of your friendship develop before you two jump into bed with each other. Yes, sex does change the friendship, often radically. Just be ready for that, too.

[tiedfeetguy]

^What he said. And if you're comfortable enough, you can also add that you yourself have had gay/bi thoughts before, and don't think it's any big deal.

[eagle024]

Thanks guys. You are helping me to remember that this conversation needs to be about him, not me. So I should focus on his situation, not mine (at least at first). Also, if he does happen to be gay or bi, he may not be interested in me that way - he could just be talking to me as someone who he feels he can confide in.

I guess the key is to try to balance the seriousness - serious enough for him to know I am focused on his welfare but not so serious that he thinks I am plotting to seduce him...

[drummer]

You know, it isn't really necessary for him to register with a party one way or the other.

The REAL question is what, if anything, is going to happen between you and him, and it really doesn't matter whether you consider yourself straight or gay or bi, or whether he does. No matter how you regard your respective allegiances to any set of tastes in sex and romance, if he likes having you (say) massage his shoulders, or caress his feet, or kiss him, or hug him, or masturbate him--that's really pretty independent of any way he might choose to classify himself. He's allowed to make an exception for you, if he feels like it, even if he'd never consider any other male with that degree of intimacy.

[eagle024]

So I saw my friend today and decided it was "now or never" as far as addressing this- the longer i waited, the more it would seem like I was dwelling on it. We were in a work setting for most of the day and I was totally unwilling to broach the subject there. Fortunately, he ended up giving me a ride home so I decided to use that opportunity (however suboptimal it was) to bring it up.

Basically, I said "I've gotta bring up something important." He just looked at me and nodded. I then said "the other night at the bar, you said "maybe I'm gay." At this point, he started laughing. By then, I pretty much had my answer but finished "I just want to be clear on whether that was a serious statement or a joke." As he kept laughing, he said "a joke...I'm straight as an arrow!"

Well, I then briefly explained why I needed to clarify this with him. I said "I had no reason to believe you were gay, but a long time ago, I had a similar conversation with another friend, who actually was trying to come out to me and I didn't react like I wish I had and I didn't want to risk doing that twice ...so I just hope you know if there was every anything serious like that going on, that you could talk to me and I would support you all the way."

He started asking me a few questions about the situation with my old friend (that was something that really did happen) and he seemed interested in what had happened.

After he dropped me off, I was of course worried about him being weirded out. Could it have raised some questions in his mind about whether I'm entirely straight? Maybe. But not two hours later, he called me on the phone about something totally unrelated, and I suspect that might not have happened if that idea, or this conversation, bothered him. Maybe it'll even turn out to be a trust building moment.

So I'm glad I brought it up. Even if the outcome might be a bit disappointing!

[eagle024]

Hey guys,

I had to revive this old thread to tell a bit more about this story with my friend. A couple of days ago, we drove down to a summer home I own to do some work. It was just the two of us. I made him take off his shoes when we got to the house – mostly because I just installed new floors, but I’ll admit I also wanted to ogle his socked feet (which he thinks may still be growing as they are now seemingly filling up some size 14 sneakers!)

Anyways, I got so turned on that I found myself snapping pix of his feet while he was involved in some repair work. At one point, I think he may have even seen my camera app open – though I tried to play it off that I was just photographing these nuisance door hinges he was tightening in case I had to do it again myself at some point. Either way, he didn’t seem phased by it.

However, as we tried to finish up the door project, I had to basically crawl down on the floor to try and fit the door into a bracket while he worked on the upper brackets. My face and hands were within inches of his feet at this point. Then a couple of times, he lifted his foot as if to use it to brace the door – except one of the times his instep slid right across my palm. And then a second time, he seemed to rub his toes right on my fingers. It took every ounce of restraint I had not to collapse on his foot right there. I obviously could not see the look on his face from where I was and neither of us mentioned it afterwards. It’s hard to explain, but my hand was really nowhere near the door when either incident happened.

Could this all be a freakish coincidence? Did he figure me out? Towards the end of the day, he even lifted his shirt a couple of times up towards his chest – not sure if it was to scratch an itch or what, but he would have to be blind not to have noticed that I was noticing.

On the way home, we ended up talking about girls and relationship issues quite a bit (just a reminder – I consider myself bi but am not open about it). He was talking about this girl he has “hooked up with” a couple of times. Though it doesn’t seem he has actually had sex with her. He kept talking about how he wasn’t sure if she was really interested in him or even “what he really wants.”

I am so tempted to be honest with him about myself and see how he reacts. As I mentioned in a prior post, he has said he is “100% straight.” But I say that all the time too… But, to use a foot analogy, I suspect I am forcing a foot into a shoe that I want to fit. I really don’t want to screw up this friendship…then again, my blatant interest in his feet may become (or even already be) clear to him.

Just wondering what you would do – if anything. I could stay quiet, could tell him I’m bi but leave out the foot part, or just throw everything out there. I suppose if I say anything at all, the question of my interest in him would come up, then…

Ugh!

[harryjav]

I believe that it would be best to just do nothing. Staying quiet, I feel, is the best option. I do not think that there is enough "evidence" for me to dare divulge the bi part, much less the feet part -- I would not dare risk the friendship aspect at this point in time. Give things more time; accumulate more "evidence", try to stop reading too much into his actions, just let go now and let be first. I feel that the more important thing to let happen is for him to be more and more comfortable with you so that he will be more and more his natural self. Only then can you better assess if and when -- if ever -- you can start to divulge more about yourself and go from there. Time will also help you get a better feel if the friendship aspect is really something you will not be willing to take a chance on at all.

I would, maybe, try to enjoy or get to view his feet more in as natural a manner as possible -- hoping to get to see his bare feet -- say, in a pool or beach area. If a guy is "straight as an arrow" my experience is that they will never think of another "regular" guy as having a foot fetish for a person of the same sex. Women's feet, perhaps, can be objects of affection but not male feet -- this is the usual male perspective.

I know some guys for whom the attractiveness of the feet is so important that if they discover that a guy they are turned on to has disappointing feet, then they lose all sexual urges for the man and can just have a regular friendship. Will this be the case with him for you?

In my case, I have a dear good-looking friend and I HAVE seen his feet bare AND they are as beautiful as I hoped they would be, as well groomed as I wanted them to be. I have also seen him in the act of taking off his shoes and socks to note that he had sweaty feet that would look steamed-up and pink when freshly bared -- a big, big sexual turn on for me. He even casually mentioned, "My feet sweat a lot" and hearing this made me palpitate.

BUT, because of our friendship, I have not at all dared open up to him about his feet, about how I ardently want to caress and make love to his feet, and how I am really gay when I come across as straight. I have been tempted, I have longed to do so but, somehow, our friendship is more important than even this strongest of lust for him and his feet. So I continue nurturing our friendship and just hope to get occasional chances to get to see his feet.

[eagle024]

I know some guys for whom the attractiveness of the feet is so important that if they discover that a guy they are turned on to has disappointing feet, then they lose all sexual urges for the man and can just have a regular friendship. Will this be the case with him for you?

Thanks for the input. I tend to agree with you that keeping this to myself is the sensible choice. But to your point about his bare feet...I have seen them many times, and even managed to touch them last summer, and they are gorgeous!

The thing is - I feel like my friendship with him, which appears strong on the surface, is not authentic - that I'm hiding a part of me and some pretty intense feelings. I don't even really want to have typical sex with him. I'd be amazed just to have a close encounter below the ankles! Well, I'm glad to keep discussing with anyone who wants to chime in...

[harryjav]

In my case -- my dearest and best friends from both sexes do NOT know about my being gay yet I believe that I have very strong and deep relationships with them; everyone has secrets and friendships, i believe, do not really become stronger just because one has bared everything. Despite my non-disclosure of my sexual orientation, I have connected deeply with my friends on so many levels and aspects.